Things

Things
I remember one Hari Raya, I cried because Tok Ayah didn't buy me a new songkok or a pair of Bata leather shoes like he normally did. Instead, he made me wear one of his kopiah's and the white canvas badminton master that I wore to school when we went visiting.
On another occassion, I asked for some underwear because I was getting laughed at for not wearing any even though I was 12. He picked out some adult size cycling supporters from the shelves in the shop and made our tailor uncle alter them to fit me. I never wore them. I can't remember when I got my first pair of underwear but I suspect Mak Ngah (our spinster grand aunt who was the family's Queen Bee) had something to do with it. 
Another unsatisfied chilhood 'want' I had was a bicycle. I was bought a small one when I was eight as reward for circumcision. I quickly outgrew it and by standard 6, I was too embarassed to ride it and really wanted a new one. I never got it. I walked/ran the 1/2 mile or so to school and the tennis courts. I guess this helped build my stamina. I won the first cross country race I ran at 13.
And then there were the needs/wants to do with my tennis. Tok Ayah of course never enquired about my needs. I started playing with rackets given to Tong Hooi by members of Lian Tong Tennis Club. My first racket was sold by Cikgu Mahadi, supposed to be paid for by installments, but he never collected. I remember some other people gave me rackets - Tengku Nasron and Datuk Mokhsin of the Kelantan Civil Service Club, S A Azman the then national champion and Uncle Kamal who gave me money to buy the then fashionable metal racket which unfortunately I didn't use very long because the grip I chose was too big. It wasn't just rackets that I needed. I was wearing out shoes once a month. To save, I even practiced bare-footed. When my racket strings burst, I didn't have the whole thing replaced - replacing one or two strings would do. But worse all was playing alongside those rich kids from the west coast in tournaments. They wore Adidas shoes and change their Fred Perry shirts after every set. I wore Bata shoes and and Black Cat t-shirts that I didn't change an entire day of 3 matches.
I have often told Tirah to diffentiate needs from wants but I guess the line in between is very blurred and it depends on your circumstances. Was the songkok a need or a want? It was a need because I was used to getting a full baju melayu suit with handed down songket and songkok every year. But then, I don't remember the other kids around our house in Kampong Puteh ever wearing full baju melayu. No peer pressure there! I guess the point I am trying to make is that we are all naturally acquisitive, always wanting what we don't have. Wants can easily turn into needs. I am not preaching the virtues of poverty or zuhud (not yet) but one effect of my chilhood is that I am always apologetic about spending, especially on myself. Recently, times being good, I told Mama I am going reward myself with the ultimate golf set. I didn't. I bought a set that was on offer which turn out to be a fake. Sigh. But that's ok. I am living beyond my dreams. Two years ago, I bought a pair of Adidas "Stan Smith" tennis shoes, the model that was the rave in 1973 which I couldn't afford which i never wore. And I bought a 500 ringgit tennis racquet in 2000,( top of the line!) even though I don't play anymore. The list of my inessential, frivolous and ostentatious acquisitions is too long to be produced here. The guilt is getting less. I fear that I have become another Pretender like Jackson Browne prophesied in 1978:

      I'm going to rent myself a house
In the shade of the freeway
I'm going to pack my lunch in the morning
And go to work each day
And when the evening rolls around
I'll go on home and lay my body down
And when the morning light comes streaming in
I'll get up and do it again
Amen
Say it again
Amen

I want to know what became of the changes
We waited for love to bring
Were they only the fitful dreams
Of some greater awakening
I've been aware of the time going by
They say in the end it's the wink of an eye
And when the morning light comes streaming in
You'll get up and do it again
Amen

Caught between the longing for love
And the struggle for the legal tender
Where the sirens sing and the church bells ring
And the junk man pounds his fender
Where the veterans dream of the fight
Fast asleep at the traffic light
And the children solemnly wait
For the ice cream vendor
Out into the cool of the evening
Strolls the pretender
He knows that all his hopes and dreams
Begin and end there

Ah the laughter of the lovers
As they run through the night
Leaving nothing for the others
But to choose off and fight
And tear at the world with all their might
While the ships bearing their dreams
Sail out of sight

I'm going to find myself a girl
Who can show me what laughter means
And we'll fill in the missing colors
In each other's paint-by-number dreams
And then we'll put out dark glasses on
And we'll make love until our strength is gone
And when the morning light comes streaming in
We'll get up and do it again
Get it up again

I'm going to be a happy idiot
And struggle for the legal tender
Where the ads take aim and lay their claim
To the heart and the soul of the spender
And believe in whatever may lie
In those things that money can buy
Thought true love could have been a contender
Are you there?
Say a prayer for the pretender
Who started out so young and strong
Only to surrender

Yes, say a prayer for me and for all us, that we win the jihad against our acqusitive instincts, that we remember our humble beginnings and the less fortunate among us and that we are always grateful for all the blessings God has showered upon us.

Selamat Hari Raya everyone.