Principles of Kamalism

Kamal was my brother, yet he was more my father (his words). We were born 8 years apart and you could hardly say we grew up together. Yet, I adored him.

One of the earliest memories I have of him was when there was a row between us and our neighbors, Che Mud's family. There was a fruit tree, what we called "Buoh Kerhiak" (It's probably extinct because I have never seen it anywhere else in my life. The fruit has reddish skin of similar texture to langsat, size of small grapes and very sour), that grew on the border between our land plots. It might have been on the border but we had always regarded it as ours and I spent many hours swinging from its branches. However, on that day, Che Mud's family, led by Zaki, who was Kamal's age, staked a claim on the tree. There was a huge ruckus and we were close to exchanging blows when Kamal grabbed an axe and threatened to cut the tree down! That put an end to the argument.

Kamal left home in 1964, to study at St. John's in KL, when he was in form 4. There's another story to that. There were loud grumblings in the family when Kamil, the studious one among us and who always topped his class, failed to get selected to go to MCKK. That was the first time I caught the sense that there is injustice in this world. Apparently, he didn't get a place because the Kelantan quota was taken up by rich, well-connected people. Tok Ayah didn't take it lying down. Using his connections, he managed to get Kamil a place in St John's and it was decided that Kamal was to go as well to accompany him, staying with some relative. I don't know how long he lasted there but years later, he told me that he passed his MCE through self-study. He got sacked from the school for being caught being in a district of KL that was notorious for gangsterism. Tok Ayah was clueless about that. Kamal told him about it only on the day he graduated.

He came back to KB for his sixth form and I remember him having a whale of a time, zipping about the town on a Vespa (I can't remember whose) and sometimes Tok Ayah's car. His photo collection comprised scenes of beach parties with his class-mates and the like. He had a portable record player on which he played songs by Cliff Richard, The Strollers and The Animals. He was a natural leader and a few of his followers remain loyal to him to this day. During those days, he maintained a note-book that he titled, in his beautiful handwriting, "Principles of Kamalism". The first entries, I remember, were

1. Rules are meant for fools. To the wise, they are mere guidance.

2. The ends justify the means.

I now know that these were hardly original but to an impressionable 12 year old I was then, these were gems of wisdom.

Over the years, I hung on every word he uttered in my presence or wrote to me. Here are some samples:

1. Words can hardly describe how the heart feels - in a letter to me after Kakla was born.

2. If you want to be hurt, you can be hurt by anything - his response when told that a nurse cousin of ours was upset that he didn't look her up when he was at the hospital she was working at.

3. I may not pray 5 times a day but I am a better Muslim than most people I know - complaining about the many people who wear kopiah but are corrupt.

4. When I drive at night, I am always first to put my headlights down when there is an oncoming car. But if the oncoming car doesn't do the same, I'll turn on my spotlights - in other words, trust the other person. But if your trust is betrayed, hit him hard.

5. You go in through the front-door, you go out through the front-door - advising me to discuss my wanting to leave government service with my bosses before making a final decision.

6. When you work for someone, you have sold your time to your employer - advising me against moonlighting.

7. You put together a man and a woman long enough, they'll start thinking they are in love - explaining his choice of Cikha whom he was giving a ride daily to work.

8. I don't mind standing for election, so long as I don't have to campaign - response to someone who challenged him.

9. If I got a license to shoot someone, it will be the head of DBP - expressing annoyance at the bastardization of the Malay Language.

10. Never beg, even if you have to sell goreng pisang - advice to his children in his final days.

11. Only stupid people get divorced - one day in Temerloh.

12. I was wrong - years later when I sought his advice about my broken down marriage.

13. There are only 3 professions for women - doctor/nurse, teacher or house-wife.

14. He can tuang school as much as he likes, so long as he turns out to be at least like me - regarding Oee in Gua Musang.

15. I can't understand married couples who have separate bank accounts.

16. The best way to give is for the recipient not to know you are the giver.

17. You are already stupid. You watch all those Malay dramas, you'll become more stupid - remarks to his servant girl.

18. Ghoyak Cikpo - his often used dismissive remark.

19. Like postcard - describing scenes in his beloved KESEDAR scheme.

20. Best in the world - he used this so often to describe things he likes that one of his nicknames was Kamal Best.

21. We appear arrogant because we are always on the side of truth.

22. I got this lump on my back - he never used the dreaded "C" word. 

23. The treatment is worse than the disease - on his chemo treatment.

"Only the good die young", sang Billie Joel. How true that is of him. He was my value shaper, influencing how I see the world. How I regret that on the night before he died, he requested that I sleep beside him, and I actually slept soundly. I had no idea he was dying!

TiraMiraaa!!!!

Congratulations, Tirah and Mirah, for getting such excellent results in your SPM. Proud of you. Actually, I am more relieved than proud, relieved that you were not disappointed by your results. You see, children never disappoint their parents. We love you no matter what. It's just that sometimes we are concerned that delinquencies you indulge in and bad habits you acquire, will lead  to harm for yourself in the future.

I am also proud of myself that I have managed to overcome the knee jerk reaction I acquired from my father - the tendency to encourage negatively. When I got third in my class, he demanded, "Why you didn't get first?"; When I got 8 A's in my LCE, he asked, "How come only 3 A1's?". In that case, he actually took me for a celebration - ice cream at Cold Storage, the most posh place in KB then. However, he managed to spoil it by paying the bill with coins (from selling at the sweet stall at Odeon cinema), as if silently telling me that he can't really afford it but he's making a big sacrifice for me. In my less enlightened days, eg. when Kaklong came running happily to me to announce that she got straight A's in her Std 6 exam, my response was, "Yeah, you and a few thousand others". Poor girl!

Sure, the wisdom of devaluing A's in public exams is highly debatable. But having caught a glimpse of the breadth and depth of the SPM syllabus, even if you memorized the answers without understanding, it's still a tremendous achievement.

You must have put in a lot of effort to get the results you did, motivated by your peers, teachers and to some extent, us, your parents. But I think you have merely inherited the culture of excellence that has been prevalent in both my family and Mama's. In my family, our parents never had to tell us to do our homework, study hard or get a certain number of A's. It was just a silent expectation. To some extent, there was pressure to do better than our older siblings. Cik Mah once complained to me about this. But to me, it was just our circumstances. You see, where we lived in Kampong Puteh, KB, we were sort of isolated. All around us were families who were related to each other but not to us. Our own relatives were gathered in 3 other places, mainly, in  Lorong Gajah Mati, Kampong Kubor Kuda and Jalan Masjid. And they were further divided into the Nik's and the non-Nik's (have's and have-not's). Quite a few of the poorer side of the family depended on my parents for their livelihood. On the other hand we felt looked down upon by the rich side. To cut it short, we must have developed a kind of siege mentality, one that drove us to be better all the time. Uncle Kamal was the first to get into University from our kampong. Uncle Kamil and Zame were pioneers in going to boarding school. The pressure was so great that before Kakjah died, Kamal made a pledge that all her children will go to university.

As for me, it was recognized early on that I was the "gem" among the siblings because I was achieving so much with so little effort. But Tok Ayah never allowed me to rest on my laurels. "Hmmph, Uh! Ding gaaaak eh!". That's his infamous sigh of exasperation with me. I don't think I ever got a direct gesture of approval from him. Mine was the first batch that sat for nationwide standard 5 assessment exams and I got straight A's. I got straight A's in LCE (PMR) as well. Needless to say, these were rare achievements then, rare enough to get me into the papers. High achievements of course meant high expectations. For my MCE, I only got 3 A's. I was so afraid of Tok Ayah's reaction, I didn't tell him my results. He tracked me to RMC where I was playing a tennis match for MCKK. I broke down and cried, there and then on the court, the moment I saw him. I can't remember how I managed to finish the match. Kamal saved the day by pointing out that since I got C3's for my other subjects, I was close to getting straight A's. God bless him. But this sense that I am never good enough persists to this day!

Why am I telling you these old stories? It's just that I never want you to feel the burden of expectation the way I did. That's why I often tell you, "Before you do anything BIG, say Bismillah, do your best and tawakkal (accept the outcome)". I too must learn to accept and love whatever fate unfolds before me. Everyone's story has been written, even though we can make choices to change it. Notice the paradox and contemplate on it. I think that's a very important key towards attaining happiness in life.

Lawyers in Love

Rehman flattered me by using the title of one of the albums by my beloved Jackson Browne in the headline of his op-ed piece in the Sunday Times today. In his usual verbose style (I write only for people who can understand me, he says) he pointed out that when the last GE was described as a "political Tsunami" most people simply understand this to mean the sweeping away of the incumbents by the victorious challenges. People overlook the fact that a tsunami also has the effect of leaving things at very odd places, not where they should be. That's why you get a young Malay engineer with no previous administration experience suddenly being thrusted into the position of MB and a Hindu with 3 lines on his forehead and ill-fitting suits suddenly made speaker of the State Assembly. Very clever insight, I thought. 

Actually, we discussed this piece before he wrote it. He thinks that Sivakumar didn't respect the law when he suspended the the new MB and exco members. I think Sivakumar believes he has the law behind him when he did what he did. Only, the law is flawed! By written law, I believe we have a stalemate position in Perak. It will be interesting to observe how it pans out.

Dear Ariff

24/12/08
Dear Ariff
So you are visiting the Big Apple. I must say I envy you. When I was at Wharton’s there was a week-end break when I could have gone to NY. But I chose to go to DC/Maryland instead for Malay food and to have my laundry done (the laundry charges at the place was too high and I have never even washed my own underwear my whole life).
I don’t just envy you for that. I wish I was there in your place, living the life you are living, studying the stuff you are studying, seizing the opportunities you have before you and generally not repeating the mistakes I made in my own life at your age. Guess it’s true what they say about fathers wanting to relive their own lives through their sons.
We don’t talk much. In fact I often regret that my household is not as as “cheria" as others. Something inhibits us from being more communicative and demonstrative. It’s my fault really. Long ago I read one of those popular psychology books called “I am ok, you’re ok”. The basic premise of the book is that many of us tend to behave the way our parents did subconsciously. Not that I am blaming my father but it’s difficult for me to rid myself of habits like being critical of others, putting down people, persuading negatively and worse of all, appearing like I got the weight of the world on my shoulders and I don’t want to be disturbed. I wish we can joke, laugh and have fun together like other families but in the words of Jackson Browne, “though the future is there for anyone to change, still you know it seems, it could be easier sometimes to change the past!”.
I wish to be known, especially by people I love and I want to know them. But this “pressure” to always appear right, proper, strong etc. inhibits me from really letting my hair down or pouring my heart out to anyone, to share my frustrations, hopes and dreams. And, this causes reciprocal behavior in others. Hence, “I am not ok, you are not ok” which is the worse kind of relationship you can have. I am further reminded here of what the book says, that most people tend to exhibit behaviors they developed as a “child” or mimic their “parent” unthinkingly. The well developed person matures into an “adult”, one who considers issues and make his own appropriate choices according to the situation. I have tried to be that over the years, one of those things that I try to do because I should.
I digress. You appear happy and full of life on FB but I am not too sure that that is not merely a façade. I tell myself to give you the freedom to make your own life changing decisions but I can’t help myself sometimes from influencing you, to placate the regrets I have with my own life. I spent 5 years in UK without having a single mat salleh friend. I can’t even remember my classmates names. There were just too many Malays! It was too easy to stay in my comfort zone. Even among the malays, there were 3 groups – the dakwah types, the pub going ones and the middle-of-the-roads. I stuck to the last group. I spent much more time playing poker, watch tv and listening to music than studying. I didn’t even need to attend lectures. I could get by by just copying other people’s lecture notes. The few text books I had were hardly touched and I never went to the library. I graduated 2nd class lower because I didn’t think it was important enough to work for a first class degree. Actually, if I didn’t waste all the time I did, I could have come back with 2 first class degrees! You see, one can get a degree in UK by being completely anonymous and doing enough to pass the exams. I didn’t want you to waste your god-given talent and intelligence the way I did. Hence my preference for you to go to US. Hope you don’t regret it.
We spoke about whether you are to stay away from food that’s not kosher or otherwise. I spoke actually. You didn’t respond. For whatever it’s worth, in UK I could get halal meat easily and most of the time, I lived with other malays and we take turns cooking. But sometimes, I did indulge myself with KFC or McD. I didn’t really think about it, really. It was a question of the company I was with. When I was at Wharton I ate whatever was served – too shy to make any special requests. In Argentina, I ate the steak while mama stuck to seafood. How could you not have steak when you are in Buenos Aires! My take on it (briefly) is that there are a lot bigger sins that you commit daily than eating non-halal meat. Right or wrong in Islam is relative rather then absolute. Of course, refraining from non-halal food is better than otherwise but if it causes you to be depressed, tensed or appear to be self-righteous to people around you, you are better off allowing yourself some indulgence. Wallah wa’alam.
I miss you. Write to me when you have the time.
Carpe Diem!
Papa

Here It Goes Again

For years I've been contemplating starting a blog. Actually, I did post a "debut"article two years ago, but I pulled it down. Why? Fear of embarrassment, mainly. I am a painfully shy person. Public speaking is definitely not my forte. I don't even like small talk at social events. But I can be highly opinionated with a few close friends. In fact, that's what I do most of the time - form opinions about this and that. I guess that's why I appear deeply in thought most of the time to the extent that people are afraid to interrupt or to be judged by me. Must be difficult to be around me. There have been times, a roomful of people, chatting and laughing away, fall into silence the moment I walk in. I am the worst party-pooper I know.

So why am I starting one now? I can't express it as well as my good friend Rehman Rashid who once lamented "It seems to me we each have an idea of who we are, and each of us lives in the hope of finding someone who can see us the way we see ourselves. To see through our words what we truly mean; to judge from our actions, our true intent. This is almost laughably difficult, but this, I think, is our yearning as human beings. But why is it so difficult, so rare and precious, to have others see us as we see ourselves, and know us as we know ourselves?"

Yes, I yearn to be known by my loved ones, meaning, you guys who are reading this. Access to this blog will be by invitation only, limited to people who I think love me, warts and all. I intend to pour my heart out in this blog and I don't want to expose myself to the whole wide world. You see, I have it all worked out - I am not vain enough to think the public at large would want to read me or confident enough with my writings to withstand open scrutiny. On the other hand, I hate the idea that I am writing merely to myself and I do think I have things to say that are worth saying. You guys are my captive audience!

The title of my blog? Everyone knows the story of "The Emperor that Wears No Clothes". I am like that naive little boy.