TiraMiraaa!!!!

Congratulations, Tirah and Mirah, for getting such excellent results in your SPM. Proud of you. Actually, I am more relieved than proud, relieved that you were not disappointed by your results. You see, children never disappoint their parents. We love you no matter what. It's just that sometimes we are concerned that delinquencies you indulge in and bad habits you acquire, will lead  to harm for yourself in the future.

I am also proud of myself that I have managed to overcome the knee jerk reaction I acquired from my father - the tendency to encourage negatively. When I got third in my class, he demanded, "Why you didn't get first?"; When I got 8 A's in my LCE, he asked, "How come only 3 A1's?". In that case, he actually took me for a celebration - ice cream at Cold Storage, the most posh place in KB then. However, he managed to spoil it by paying the bill with coins (from selling at the sweet stall at Odeon cinema), as if silently telling me that he can't really afford it but he's making a big sacrifice for me. In my less enlightened days, eg. when Kaklong came running happily to me to announce that she got straight A's in her Std 6 exam, my response was, "Yeah, you and a few thousand others". Poor girl!

Sure, the wisdom of devaluing A's in public exams is highly debatable. But having caught a glimpse of the breadth and depth of the SPM syllabus, even if you memorized the answers without understanding, it's still a tremendous achievement.

You must have put in a lot of effort to get the results you did, motivated by your peers, teachers and to some extent, us, your parents. But I think you have merely inherited the culture of excellence that has been prevalent in both my family and Mama's. In my family, our parents never had to tell us to do our homework, study hard or get a certain number of A's. It was just a silent expectation. To some extent, there was pressure to do better than our older siblings. Cik Mah once complained to me about this. But to me, it was just our circumstances. You see, where we lived in Kampong Puteh, KB, we were sort of isolated. All around us were families who were related to each other but not to us. Our own relatives were gathered in 3 other places, mainly, in  Lorong Gajah Mati, Kampong Kubor Kuda and Jalan Masjid. And they were further divided into the Nik's and the non-Nik's (have's and have-not's). Quite a few of the poorer side of the family depended on my parents for their livelihood. On the other hand we felt looked down upon by the rich side. To cut it short, we must have developed a kind of siege mentality, one that drove us to be better all the time. Uncle Kamal was the first to get into University from our kampong. Uncle Kamil and Zame were pioneers in going to boarding school. The pressure was so great that before Kakjah died, Kamal made a pledge that all her children will go to university.

As for me, it was recognized early on that I was the "gem" among the siblings because I was achieving so much with so little effort. But Tok Ayah never allowed me to rest on my laurels. "Hmmph, Uh! Ding gaaaak eh!". That's his infamous sigh of exasperation with me. I don't think I ever got a direct gesture of approval from him. Mine was the first batch that sat for nationwide standard 5 assessment exams and I got straight A's. I got straight A's in LCE (PMR) as well. Needless to say, these were rare achievements then, rare enough to get me into the papers. High achievements of course meant high expectations. For my MCE, I only got 3 A's. I was so afraid of Tok Ayah's reaction, I didn't tell him my results. He tracked me to RMC where I was playing a tennis match for MCKK. I broke down and cried, there and then on the court, the moment I saw him. I can't remember how I managed to finish the match. Kamal saved the day by pointing out that since I got C3's for my other subjects, I was close to getting straight A's. God bless him. But this sense that I am never good enough persists to this day!

Why am I telling you these old stories? It's just that I never want you to feel the burden of expectation the way I did. That's why I often tell you, "Before you do anything BIG, say Bismillah, do your best and tawakkal (accept the outcome)". I too must learn to accept and love whatever fate unfolds before me. Everyone's story has been written, even though we can make choices to change it. Notice the paradox and contemplate on it. I think that's a very important key towards attaining happiness in life.