Dear Ariff

24/12/08
Dear Ariff
So you are visiting the Big Apple. I must say I envy you. When I was at Wharton’s there was a week-end break when I could have gone to NY. But I chose to go to DC/Maryland instead for Malay food and to have my laundry done (the laundry charges at the place was too high and I have never even washed my own underwear my whole life).
I don’t just envy you for that. I wish I was there in your place, living the life you are living, studying the stuff you are studying, seizing the opportunities you have before you and generally not repeating the mistakes I made in my own life at your age. Guess it’s true what they say about fathers wanting to relive their own lives through their sons.
We don’t talk much. In fact I often regret that my household is not as as “cheria" as others. Something inhibits us from being more communicative and demonstrative. It’s my fault really. Long ago I read one of those popular psychology books called “I am ok, you’re ok”. The basic premise of the book is that many of us tend to behave the way our parents did subconsciously. Not that I am blaming my father but it’s difficult for me to rid myself of habits like being critical of others, putting down people, persuading negatively and worse of all, appearing like I got the weight of the world on my shoulders and I don’t want to be disturbed. I wish we can joke, laugh and have fun together like other families but in the words of Jackson Browne, “though the future is there for anyone to change, still you know it seems, it could be easier sometimes to change the past!”.
I wish to be known, especially by people I love and I want to know them. But this “pressure” to always appear right, proper, strong etc. inhibits me from really letting my hair down or pouring my heart out to anyone, to share my frustrations, hopes and dreams. And, this causes reciprocal behavior in others. Hence, “I am not ok, you are not ok” which is the worse kind of relationship you can have. I am further reminded here of what the book says, that most people tend to exhibit behaviors they developed as a “child” or mimic their “parent” unthinkingly. The well developed person matures into an “adult”, one who considers issues and make his own appropriate choices according to the situation. I have tried to be that over the years, one of those things that I try to do because I should.
I digress. You appear happy and full of life on FB but I am not too sure that that is not merely a façade. I tell myself to give you the freedom to make your own life changing decisions but I can’t help myself sometimes from influencing you, to placate the regrets I have with my own life. I spent 5 years in UK without having a single mat salleh friend. I can’t even remember my classmates names. There were just too many Malays! It was too easy to stay in my comfort zone. Even among the malays, there were 3 groups – the dakwah types, the pub going ones and the middle-of-the-roads. I stuck to the last group. I spent much more time playing poker, watch tv and listening to music than studying. I didn’t even need to attend lectures. I could get by by just copying other people’s lecture notes. The few text books I had were hardly touched and I never went to the library. I graduated 2nd class lower because I didn’t think it was important enough to work for a first class degree. Actually, if I didn’t waste all the time I did, I could have come back with 2 first class degrees! You see, one can get a degree in UK by being completely anonymous and doing enough to pass the exams. I didn’t want you to waste your god-given talent and intelligence the way I did. Hence my preference for you to go to US. Hope you don’t regret it.
We spoke about whether you are to stay away from food that’s not kosher or otherwise. I spoke actually. You didn’t respond. For whatever it’s worth, in UK I could get halal meat easily and most of the time, I lived with other malays and we take turns cooking. But sometimes, I did indulge myself with KFC or McD. I didn’t really think about it, really. It was a question of the company I was with. When I was at Wharton I ate whatever was served – too shy to make any special requests. In Argentina, I ate the steak while mama stuck to seafood. How could you not have steak when you are in Buenos Aires! My take on it (briefly) is that there are a lot bigger sins that you commit daily than eating non-halal meat. Right or wrong in Islam is relative rather then absolute. Of course, refraining from non-halal food is better than otherwise but if it causes you to be depressed, tensed or appear to be self-righteous to people around you, you are better off allowing yourself some indulgence. Wallah wa’alam.
I miss you. Write to me when you have the time.
Carpe Diem!
Papa